Been doing a lot of "clearing" in my life recently. Moving into a new phase. I'm gradually releasing material possessions and replacing them with newer, more meaningful, useful and up-to-date ones. Same goes for my activities. And the more invisible things, like emotions and relationships. Now I've turned my eye to cyberspace. I never used LiveJournal much to begin with, and the site had become defunct. But now I've turned it into an online Freecycle/Flea Market space. My website was useless, a waste of nearly 20 bucks a month, and a marker of what I once was, not what I am now. A year ago, I decided to change it into a work-related site, so I took down the old site and put up a pageholder, but never did anything with it, turning it into an even bigger waste of money. Besides, there are so many free ways to promote oneself on cyberspace, why pay for it? So I witheld the last annual renewal but couldn't bear to release the domain name...so I'm still getting 5 e-mails a week saying "Payment Due". I should find out if there's a way I can "park" the domain name, maybe for a reduced fee, but take down the site.

And now Xanga. Even though I hardly ever use this site anymore, I signed up for a month of premium -- just one month -- so that I could download my archives. Doing it manually page-by-page was not an option. My blogs go all the way back to 2001 (yes, in fact I was one of the pioneers) and would have taken too damn long. And then I was to delete everything up to the present date. That was the plan, anyway. But I find myself hesitating. Before Facebook came along, so much of my online life happened right here. So much inspiration and support I found in complete strangers. I even found love. It didn't last, but it still makes me smile. I wrote all the time...not journals, I don't "journal", per se. As I've stated before in previous posts, the details of my life are not for public consumption. But feelings, yes. Stories, most definitely. Dreams, no question. As I read backwards through the months and years I am absolutely astounded at the kind of stuff I used to produce. I miss it, but I know it was "just" a phase. I create in different ways now.

Still...it doesn't seem enough to just download the archives. Archives are where people put all the dead things they've dug up, from which they've learned all they could learn. But this little corner of cyberspace is still alive. Barely kicking, but alive nonetheless. I know it sounds silly, but reading the archives just didn't feel the same as getting online and scrolling through the pages in real time. The difference feels like the difference between watching a program on Discovery about the Pyramids, and actually making a trip to Egypt to see the Pyramids. It's experiential, I suppose.

Really I am. But Facebook takes up most of my computer time now, lol.

I'm just here to put up this e-mail exchange from a local arts mailing list. Names and titles have been removed/changed for privacy.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm looking for adult actors to act in a series of Upper Secondary
Civics and Moral Education videos. These will be shown to all
Secondary 4 and 5 students for use by teachers and the Ministry of
Education to conduct Civics and Moral Education lessons in class.
These videos will be part of the Civics and Moral Education Teacher's
Digital Resource (CD-Rom) which comprises animations, videos, self-
paced activities and quizzes.

I am looking for enthusiastic actors who are willing to star in these
videos for exposure, gratis. Meals will be provided accordingly. All
actors will be mentioned on the acknowledgements of the CD-Rom.
Interested parties to send a photo, brief description of their acting
experience and availability in the next few months to my email
address. Filming to take place in August to September. Filming will
take place in the afternoons when student actors (selected from
various Secondary schools) are involved. Thanks!

i need older, over 30 years old, non chinese actors.

Best regards,
J***** C****
Editor (Educational Publishing)
Big Publishing Co. International (S'pore) Pte Ltd

-------------------------------------------

Hi,

Is it possible for you to pay the actors?

H*****

------------------------------------------

Same here,

what's wrong with paying the actors???

P***

------------------------------------------

Surely a large and extremely reknown company like BIG PUBLISHING CO. (!!!!) would have the budget to cover actors' fees! I refuse to mince my words; this is nothing short of insulting. Especially when, I quote, "these will be shown to all Secondary 4 and 5 students for use by teachers and the Ministry of Education to conduct Civics and Moral Education lessons in class."

Just imagine how much the MOE is paying Big Publishing Co. for this nation-wide project. And they can't afford to pay a few actors? RIIIIGHT.

I urge all actors to boycott this casting call. Yes, even those of you who are "enthusiastic" and would do it purely "for exposure". Speaking from experience, this sort of project wouldn't advance your career very much, if at all, anyway. And seriously, even if you do this purely on the side, you should expect to be paid. It's WORK after all. Fun work, but still work. Come on people, you KNOW you're better than that. STOP LETTING YOURSELF BE EXPLOITED!

And I know some people will argue, "Oh, but it's for educational purposes after all..." Yes, but teachers get paid, don't they?

Me

-----------------------------

(A day later)

Dear Candice,

This is a paid gig, according to individual actor's experience and the number of roles cast. Terms have been updated since you last saw the casting call. Please check the updates.

Shooting will commmence from next week til 25th Sept. For all interested, please send me details of yourself and a photo, availability dates asap so that the clients may select preferred actors and we may proceed with casting the roles accordingly. Thanks!

Best regards,
J****** C****
Editor (Educational Publishing)
Big Publishing Co. International (S'pore) Pte Ltd

--------------------------------------------------------------

Chalk one up for our team.

OOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHH LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE!

Love, in love, infatuation, in...fat! u? eh? shun!

It's 7am and I haven't slept. We had rehearsal till 12:30am and then a long discussion and then supper which all culminated in me arriving home at 4:40am, wired, worried and wiped out.

But sleep...ahhh, sleep, that most blissful of blissful escapes, escaped me instead.

Always one more thing to do. Always one more thing to think about.

Tangent: Even if I go to sleep right now, I'll still only get, at most, 5 1/2 hrs. Why bother?

Because I don't want to SUCK at rehearsal, that's why.

Suck, suck, suck, STUCK. I'm stuck. Unstuck? No, still stuck. FUCK.

Off tangent: Even on my own damn blog I can't be honest with myself. I don't know anymore, I really don't. It's all ups and downs with me recently. I'm sick of it. *pukes*

Why is it that sometimes the people who affect you the most are not the people who are supposed to be closest to you? Why is it every time I find myself getting closer to someone, they leave? Some return eventually, yes, but often only for short visits. Others just dropped out of my life. I know it happens. I know it's human. I know that's life. I've heard and repeated the mantras too many times. It doesn't make me feel any better. Sometimes they don't even know how much I care or have been changed by them because I never bothered to tell them, or I was too afraid they might think I was just being silly, or I didn't realise it until they were gone, or it just never came up.

Dedicated primarily to J, who's going soon, and without whom I wouldn't know this song or even where it's from. I'm going to miss you so much.

But also to D, whom I'm never sure is here or there, L who'll be back to visit soon (YAY!), P, who's my hero and who came here from there to grace my humble life with his presence, and the other J who's back visiting for a couple of weeks.

Because you all have the drive, passion, but most importantly, guts, to do what I can only dream about. I hang my head in shame.

And those who must, will fly.

ELPHABA
I'm limited:
Just look at me - I'm limited
And just look at you -
You can do all I couldn't do, Glinda
So now it's up to you
(spoken) For both of us
(sung) Now it's up to you:

GLINDA
I've heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you:

Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good

ELPHABA
It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you
You'll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend:
Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a skybird
In a distant wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you:

GLINDA
Because I knew you:

BOTH

I have been changed for good

ELPHABA
And just to clear the air
I ask forgiveness
For the things I've done you blame me for

GLINDA
But then, I guess we know
There's blame to share

BOTH
And none of it seems to matter anymore

GLINDA ELPHABA
Like a comet pulled Like a ship blown
From orbit as it Off it's mooring
Passes a sun, like By a wind off the
A stream that meets Sea, like a seed
A boulder, half-way Dropped by a
Through the wood Bird in the wood

BOTH
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
I do believe I have been changed for the better?

GLINDA
And because I knew you:
ELPHABA
Because I knew you:

BOTH
Because I knew you:
I have been changed for good.